see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
