When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
