i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
