Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
