Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
