hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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