Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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