I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
