The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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