Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
