i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Couch. On fire.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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