she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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