You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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