You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
