i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
