My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
