Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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