I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
