you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
