I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
