Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
