It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
