This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
