Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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