apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
