and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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