Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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