I am puke
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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