my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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