I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
