It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
