You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
