I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
