Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Randomize