omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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