It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
