Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
