this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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