Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
