When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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