the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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