if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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