I'm going to rape someone's good day.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
