My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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