is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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