he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
