when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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