I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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