I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
