it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
