you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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