so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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