well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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