i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
