New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize