Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
